Asalam alaikum people!!
Yes, yes I am back after quite some time and alhamdulilah that I can still write this post. Life has been a splendid roller coaster ride and ever since I joined my first job after becoming Muslim, even more so. There have been so many interesting realizations and revelations happening. First of all I would really like to thank my dearest sisters in Islam who I have met on this journey and whose help means more to me than they will ever know. I am really grateful for each one of them. Sisterhood like this is a proof that Allah subhan wa ta’ala is with us always. May He bless this ummah.
Firstly I would like to thank The Indian Reverted Muslimah for a very motivating message about the salaam. (Another post coming up on that inshaAllah) And secondly, through her hijab journey I was able to take lessons which I didn’t expect to relate to so soon. Alhamdulilah.
So I had been draping my scarf over my head for some time. As a ‘want to be’ hijabi it was the least I convinced myself to do. There were a few real reasons. Okay I confess I was anxious about transforming from a non muslim to a muslim in public (self conscious much?) So the moment I started working, this is how my journey has been.
Day 1: The usual drape
Day 2: The second end of the scarf just went around the other shoulder
Day 3: Coming early and sitting alone in office I finally decided to drape it like they show on those terrific you tube videos and eureka!!! I finally got the hang of it, now all I gotta do is do it in public without any funny looking folds.
When I decided to just do it on the metro I felt like I was standing in a stadium under thousands of spiteful stares (poor souls were just curious thinking what is this girl upto? Or “is this how muslim women do their scarf thingy). And every time I felt this tinge of self doubt, a little voice, barely noticeable would prompt to me – “Allahu Akbar” ❤
By now I had learned that this is how shaitaan does his dirty tricks, by putting negative thoughts in your head. And I had a storm raging inside my skull. I felt nervous even after wearing the hijab properly. I felt conscious of the stares of not non muslims now but other muslims. What would they think of me?! about the clothes I wear with hijab? Will it be enough?!!
Fighting my own heart I just went ahead and decided to tie a proper hijab like I had practiced a million times at home before and fussed half a million times at office over. (LOL). So I did it and suddenly everything became quiet. (It wasn’t because my hijab was so tight I could barely hear anything, no). The quiet was inside me, like a storm had just settled, like the clouds had just parted to make way for glorious shimmering sunshine. Sometimes we just create our own storms, don’t we?
Then the day finally came when I started wrapping it up like a professional in just one wave of my hand (I am kidding ofcourse) But I sure didn’t need a pin!! Yayy :D. And it started to grow on me. Alhamdulilah! I was finally doing my bit to please my Creator and it helped to keep reminding myself why I was doing it every time I felt conscious about the stares (which might be imaginary sometimes). I haven’t taken one loo break without fussing over my hijab or just looking at the reflection of the stranger in the mirror I am getting to know. And I know I have a long long way to go but for now I can’t get over how graceful my hijab feels. How lovingly it falls all over my back, like a superhero’s cape.
May be this is why I was so anxious. Clark Kent never transforms in full public view 😉